Oh HAAAYYYYYYY. How’s everyone doing?! Happy Friday Eve! ?
Thought I’d pop in for a quick TOL post. As always, thank you to Amanda of Running With Spoons for allowing me to share my random thoughts on this day!
Yesterday after dinner my parents and I were watching a show from Shark Week (aka one of the best TV weeks everrr) and enjoying some ice cream too. Piece Of Cake flavor anyone?!
My Dad looked up from his mug and said, “Marina, I’m really proud of you.”
Wait, what is this post about?
Before you roll your eyes and think this was just a cheesy parental compliment, I knew exactly what my Dad meant. I looked down at my ice cream, smiled, and said, “thanks Dad.” ?
I knew that he was talking about 3 years ago, when I wouldn’t have even thought about having ice cream after dinner, let alone anything at all. Not even fruit.
3 years ago, I was afraid to eat pasta at dinner.
3 years ago, I would “chain-chew” gum between meals to keep me from thinking about food or hunger.
If my Nana had passed 3 years ago, I probably would’ve been freaking out about when I would be able to workout in between wakes and a funeral, what I would be eating, and how many calories were in each thing.
Oh God, 3 years ago….I wish I could go back and slap myself.
3 years ago, my family and I went to visit my brother for Easter and I was at my lowest weight ever. I was already seeing a nutritionist, but still…I was cold all the time, crabby, and miserable, but I did my best to hide it so my family wouldn’t worry. We went out for dinner and I remember having soup and a salad, thinking it was enough. Then we decided to go out for frozen yogurt. I was trying to be bold and brave, but on the inside I knew that I was terrified of eating frozen yogurt. I remember taking an my empty cup and looking at the wall of flavors and feeling like I was going to my death. I hesitantly pushed down a small amount from the handle into my cup of the “healthiest” flavor I could find. I ate it, but I was SO miserable.
Here’s a photo from that night…notice how I’m smiling but I still look distant?
To this day my Mom still reminds me of that story whenever she wants to tell me how proud she is of me for beating this. I apologize to my parents and my brother for putting them through that.
Reflections
The past week has allowed me to reflect on my past and how different my life would be if I was still in the same black hole that I was 3 years ago. Maybe I would’ve lost some friends along the way, maybe I would’ve been in treatment, maybe I would’ve had to drop out of school…maybe….
I think it’s so important to be self-reflective, especially after making a big change in your life and being able to look back and see how much you’ve learned and grown. Life can be so unpredictable and out of our control sometimes. I knew this and that scared me a lot so I thought I could “control” my life by controlling what I ate every single day. The truth is, we can’t control a LOT of things. I know that now, but my past self didn’t.
Today, I am happy on the inside AND outside.
Today, I no longer worry about calories or have “fear foods.”
Today, I exercise because I WANT to, not because I have to.
Today, I learn to appreciate the little things of everyday life because those are the things you want to remember.
My point to all this is yeah, just as my Dad said, I’m really proud of myself too.
Who knows what could’ve happened if I didn’t get help…
…but I’M FLYIN’ NOW! ? Take THAT eating disorder.
Now tell me…
- What advice would you give to your younger (or former) self about life?
- Frozen yogurt or ice cream?
- SO HARD TO CHOOSE! ?